Jun 06, 2022
Letting Go of My Toxic Ambition
I was agitated by the sensation that saying yes to everything and no to nothing, rising to the occasion, going above and beyond, was supposed to be the worthiest thing about me.
Rainesford Stauffer is a freelance writer and Kentuckian. She is the author ofAn Ordinary Age (Harper Perennial, 2021) and All the Gold Stars: Reimagining Ambition and the Ways We Strive (forthcoming from Hachette Books, May 2023).
I was agitated by the sensation that saying yes to everything and no to nothing, rising to the occasion, going above and beyond, was supposed to be the worthiest thing about me.
It’s a strange sort of self-reliance, thinking you can out-plan the grief, and heartbreak, and confusion of growing up.
I squeezed myself in around other people’s priorities and problems, all the while saying: Take up all the room you want. I will make myself fit.
New responsibilities clogged up phone lines and changed what used to be lifelines—how were we supposed to maintain our relationships?
I wanted to be a writer, and I thought my work-life balance was the price I had to pay. I couldn't have been more wrong.
It was the first time I’d ever noticed growth or newness this way: reclaiming, or returning, rather than overhauling and chasing.
Why do we need measuring sticks like college and marriage and leaving home to track our worth?
I drove past the third places that I’d grown up in and, through the eyes of an adult, saw a person shaped by spaces that are in-between.
